Roast My ___ 🔥

Name: AI Roast of https://stripe.com
Item: https://stripe.com
Rating: 9
Author: Roast My

🤖 AI-generated satirical review — not a professional audit

"Stripe ist so poliert, dass man sich fragt, ob die Website selbst Zahlungen verarbeitet oder nur davon träumt."

https://stripe.com

📊 Rank #2 of 4 sites roasted • View leaderboard →

23 von 28 Bildern ohne Alt-Text — die Barrierefreiheit ist wie ihre Gebührenstruktur: unsichtbar, aber definitiv da.
66 Scripts für eine Zahlungsseite? Das ist nicht Sicherheit, das ist eine JavaScript-Orgie mit Sideeffects.
Doppelte H1-Tags mit abgeschnittenem Text ('bis zur milliardsten Tr') — sogar die Billionen sind zu groß für ihre Headlines.
Sitemap.xml fehlt, aber 160 interne Links funktionieren — SEO-Chaos versteckt hinter Enterprise-Glanz.
509ms Load-Time für 582KB bei einem Payment-Provider? Schnell genug, um Geld zu stehlen, aber nicht, um Geduld zu sparen.

🔥 Roast THEIR site back →

📊 Technical Audit

Real metrics — measured, not estimated. 56 tests run.

79 C

✅ 38 passed ⚠️ 9 warnings ❌ 5 failed

⚡ Performance 43/100 F 🔒

Page loads in 509ms, 582KB, 66 scripts, 3 stylesheets

❌ Page Size 582 KB

⚠️ Response Time (TTFB) 509 ms

🔒 +6 more KPIs — unlock full report

🔍 SEO 86/100 B 🔒

Title: ✓ | Meta: ✓ | H1: 2 | OG: ✓

✅ Title Tag Online-Bezahldienst und Zahlungsdienstleister | Stripe

⚠️ Meta Description Stripe ist eine Finanzdienstleistungsplattform, die Unternehmen jeder Art hilft,...

🔒 +9 more KPIs — unlock full report

🔒 Security 94/100 A 🔒

HTTPS: ✓ | CSP: ✓ | HSTS: ✓ | Headers: 7/8 🔓 Unlock details

♿ Accessibility 75/100 C 🔒

Alt tags: 5/28 | Lang: ✓ | Landmarks: detected 🔓 Unlock details

📱 Mobile 92/100 A 🔒

Viewport: ✓ | Responsive CSS: none 🔓 Unlock details

✅ Best Practices 100/100 A+ 🔒

DOCTYPE: ✓ | Charset: utf-8 | Favicon: ✓ 🔓 Unlock details

📝 Content Quality 79/100 C 🔒

Text/HTML: 0.8% | Words: 502 | Links: 160i+7e 🔓 Unlock details

🔓 Your site has 5 failing tests.

Unlock the full report: 56 individual KPIs + AI fix prompts personalized for YOUR site + platform-specific recommendations.

Free re-scan. See what improved since your last roast.

👥 What real users think of your site

👩‍💼

Sarah, 34
Marketing Manager

❌ Bounce

"The hero section made me feel like I was back in 2012. I couldn't find the pricing and left after 8 seconds..."

👨‍💻

Alex, 28
Frontend Developer

✅ Convert

"Clean layout but the lighthouse score is killing your conversions. I'd fix the CLS issue first..."

🔓 Unlock 3 personas for YOUR site

Want the full roast? 🍖

See exactly how your customers see your site — and how to fix every issue:

👥 3 User Personas ⚔️ Competitor Analysis 📊 56 KPIs Unlocked 🏷️ Industry Detection First Impression Copywriting UX/Design SEO Performance Trust & Credibility Accessibility 🎯 Interactive Action Plan 📥 Export PDF / JSON / Markdown 🤖 Export for Your AI Agent

€9.99

Comparable to a €500+ freelance UX audit

Every problem ranked by impact, with the exact fix · One-time payment · Instant delivery

⏳ Your detailed report is ready — saved for 7 days

🔔 Coming soon: Site Monitoring — €4.99/mo

Auto re-scan monthly · Score alerts · Track your improvements over time

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Markdown

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